I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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