If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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