On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
