Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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