i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
