So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
