just come out here and I will go home with you...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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