his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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