If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i will never coherently bang her
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
