I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
