I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
