if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
