Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Enjoy the penises
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
