o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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