Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need to sanitize my soul.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
