I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
