never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
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I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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