WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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