: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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