just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
