do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found the puke drawer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
