He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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