some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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