He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
