do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
