What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
