her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I AM VODKA MAN
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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