he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
