Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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