I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
