im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
