i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
