Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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