one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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