I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
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I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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