I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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