Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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