whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
