Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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