Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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