Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
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