Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
