apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
