Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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