Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
