I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
