i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
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We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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