my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
