Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
