forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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