i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
