How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
