exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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