Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
they're like a gay fantastic four
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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