Cold hands, warm shart.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
