Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
