he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
