the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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