Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you inspire me to be a worse person
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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