I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
