I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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